25 Ways to Annoy a Hawkbrother
by kalim007
Summary: Ever wonder how to truly annoy a Hawkbrother? Here are 25 ways! R&R please!


I do not own anything in Valdemar. Not the people, ideas, Hawkbrothers, Companions, etc. Thank you.

This is a silly, quiz-show-type snippet, and it is something you might (_might) _see on bad TV in Valdemar. If they had TV. And if it were bad. (really bad)

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(the speaker is a man who is balding but attempting to hide it with a bad comb-over (is there any other type?). He is wearing a sad looking suit and holding a stick microphone popular in the 70s. His voice is _waaaay _too perky).

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"Welcome to another episode of "25 Ways to Annoy!" Tonight's chosen subject is… the Hawkbrothers! Those mysterious (and rather attractive, too!) bird-loving men are so tough and scary, I can't imagine wanting to annoying them, but some people obviously just don't have sense. So, without further ado, here we go!"

25. Stand in the forest and yell "I am a tree, I am a tree!" at the top of your lungs.

24. Strip completely naked and paint your body brown, then glue feathers all over everything. Then, go and sit in a tree, and wait.

23. Do everything you need to be accepted into the Vale. Then, once you get there, steal the guest towels and run.

22. If they tell you their name (which is unlikely, but since this is really annoying, you can hope), tell them you don't understand them, and ask if they might be accidentally speaking 'hawk.'

21. Throw things at their birds (be ready to RUN, and run quickly!)

20. Sneak into the Vale (this is going to be tricky). That's all… just sneak in.

19. Borrow (or purchase) falconry gear. Kidnap one of their birds, and put it on it, the leave it for them to find.

18. Go to one of their feasts, and eat everything in sight. Don't share.

17. Kidnap a _hertasi_.

16. Hide in a tree (this will be very tricky because they can see very well). Throw rocks at the Hawkbrothers when they pass.

15. Go to a fair, and buy every piece of bright, crazy colored and patterned fabric. Wear all of them at once, and then tell everyone you see you are a Hawkbrother.

14. Sew a hawk out of leftover pieces of fabric. They can be any color, but blue is the best. Mount it on your shoulder, and tell everyone you are a Hawkbrother.

13. Ask everyone you see if they would like to join a Hawkbrother mating circle, since you are a Hawkbrother, and you need more people.

12. Move to Haven and tell everyone that the Hawkbrothers eat children for breakfast.

11. Tell everyone that the Hawkbrother got their name because they eat hawks.

10. Pretend to be a hawk, and run around flapping. Tell the first Hawkbrother you see that you need to find a partner to bond with.

9. Do a brave act and get invited into the Vale. Go to the communal pools, and run around yelling, "Hawkbrothers are nakey! Hawkbrothers are nakey!"

8. Get invited to the Vale, (see above), then go to the communal pools. Refuse to take off your clothes. Get in anyway.

7. Find a _dyheli_. Ask if you can go for a ride, then when they look offended, tell them you are the king Hawkbrother, and they're gonna be in trouble.

6. Sneak into the Vale (see #20) and add bubble bath to all the pools.

5. Find a gryphon. Tell him you are a gryphon, too, and you need to learn to how to fly, and could they teach you?

4. Paint all the guest lodges violent pink. Say, "Guests will like it better this way."

3. Find a Hawkbrother and ask if there are any Hawk_sisters_. Do it again. Don't worry if you ask the same Hawkbrother twice. Works especially well with female Hawkbrothers.

2. Go right to the edge of the border. Move in, and live there in a tent for three months. Pretend to not notice they want you to leave.

And the number one way to annoy those handsome Hawk-lovers…

1. Walk toward their border. Once they magically appear and tell you to buzz off, back up. Repeat for hours. See if you can manage to continue this through a shift change, so that you can annoy two of them without having to move to a different area!

So that's it ladies and gentlemen! I am glad to have you join me for another fabulous episode of "25 Ways to Annoy…" Tune in next week when we focus on ways to annoy those perfect people and Companions… the Heralds!

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I know this is silly, but I felt silly at the time. I hope it made it you laugh.

As I was writing it, I pictured a cheesy gameshow that is played _only _late at night, because it's so truly awful no one would watch it if they were fully awake.

I am planning to do another one of the "25 Ways to Annoy..." shows, but I just moved, got a new computer, and it's the last 9 weeks at school (and my students are going nuts), and everything is crazy. So, keep an eye out, and I will update as soon as I can!

Please review! Thanks!


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